he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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