if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
