Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
