You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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