Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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