she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
