My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
