Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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