Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
