We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
