I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
