I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
