She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
