My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
