You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
