So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
