Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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