Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
