dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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