Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
