the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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