I'm gonna have a badass scar
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
