I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Sober January is a disaster.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
