I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
