so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Randomize
