Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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