So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
