I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
