life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Randomize
