Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
