So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
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My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
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I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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