I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
