I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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