so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
