Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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