dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it hurts more in the daytime
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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