I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
