the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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