He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
