dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
