Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
