This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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