I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
is it fun? or sober?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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