you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
