dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
