Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
