yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
