I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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