If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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