saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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