I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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