Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
