Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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