did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
