I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
