I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
