I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
