I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
