Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
